A common question we hear from clients who share possession of their child with a co-parent is this: What do I do if something comes up and I can’t follow the normal routine possession order? This is a very valid question — kids have busy sports schedules, parents have to take work trips, cars break down, kids have after-school activities, etc. What’s the best way to handle these unexpected changes and co-parent with flexibility?
First, a possession order is simply a schedule that lays out when each parent has physical possession of the child on a particular day, overnight, or holiday. Most co-parents learn their possession schedule by heart — possession schedules tend to have patterns. For example, these patterns might be first, third, and fifth weekends, or week-on-week-off, or two days on, two days off and alternate the remaining three days. Once the dust settles from a child custody case and everyone can get into a routine, co-parents are pretty confident of what weekend, holiday, or weeknight they will have possession of their child.
While a possession schedule makes it clear who has possession when, a possession order’s rigid nature can make it feel hard to co-parent in the flexible manner that co-parenting often, and usually, requires. One of the most powerful sentences in a child custody court order is this one:
“It is ordered that the conservators shall have possession of the child at times mutually agreed upon by the parties, and, in the absence of mutual agreement, it is ordered that the conservators shall have possession of the child under the specified terms set out in this Possession Order.”
This provision simply means that the parents subject to the possession order are free to make any agreement they want about possession; if and when they cannot come to an agreement, the possession schedule laid out in the court order will control by default.
Let’s consider an example. You are the primary parent, and your co-parent has been awarded a Standard Possession Order by the court. The sentence in quotations above appears in your order. This coming weekend is your co-parent’s weekend according to the Standard Possession Order. Your son is on the junior varsity football team and the team has just made it to the state-play offs. The first play-off game is this weekend in a town two hours away. Your co-parent calls you on Wednesday and informs you they have been asked by their boss to attend a conference this weekend in San Francisco; they ask if you would mind attending the out-of-town play-off game with your son so you can drive your son home after the game. Can you agree to do that even though it’s not supposed to be your weekend? Of course you can! Your order specifically covers this kind of situation. Something unexpected came up for a co-parent and you all needed to adjust your possession plan for the weekend — and that’s okay! The courts and attorneys like to include this language in an order to allow parents to do what works for them when the laid-out possession schedule does not. Not to mention, it is required to be included if you have a Standard Possession Order.
What’s the best way to approach your co-parent about making a change to the possession schedule when something unexpected comes up or an adjustment needs to be made based on busy and changing schedules?
First, consider what method you should use to of contact your co-parent. If you have been ordered to discuss child-issues, like possession, with your co-parent via a specific method, like through a parenting app or website, then you need to use that method. For example, if you have been ordered to use Our Family Wizard, or have been ordered not to FaceTime your co-parent, be sure to follow the restrictions regarding communication with your co-parent laid out in your order.
Second, you should approach your co-parent with a respectful tone. Always be sure to re-read your message before you send it to ensure that you are not coming off unnecessarily aggressive or unkind. This is especially important if you are the one asking for the change or adjustment; if you use the wrong tone, your co-parent is not likely to want to help you. Keep in mind that they do not have to agree to make a change. They are free to reject your proposed change and rely on the schedule contained in your order to control the possession schedule.
Third, consider if you need to, or will be asked to, “switch” time when agreeing to the proposed change. For example, if your co-parent wants to take your daughter to her father-daughter dance on your scheduled possession weekend, consider asking your co-parent to “switch” weekends with you so that you both get the normal amount of time you would expect with your daughter, and your daughter can still attend the father-daughter dance. Be aware that if you are the parent asking for possession of your child during a time not typically designated as your own, your co-parent might ask you to “switch” a period of possession which is yours later on.
Fourth, use a shared calendar to make unexpected changes in possession easy to follow, update, and monitor. After you and your co-parent agree to a change in the possession schedule, confirm that one of you will add the change to the calendar and include its details so everyone has a clear and organized place to look and be reminded that you made a change. If you are using Our Family Wizard or another parenting app, be sure to utilize the calendar feature for this purpose. If you do not use a parenting website, consider creating a separate calendar named “Child Calendar” for free on google calendar. You can alter the settings so your co-parent only has access to the Child Calendar and not your own personal calendar. You can color-code events (school, soccer, piano, social, etc.). You can set reminder emails to go out the day before an event takes place. You can utilize an array of tools on google calendar to make changes to possession easy to track for everyone.
Fifth, be flexible when you are able. The end of the school semester, the month that your daughter has four dance competition weekends in a row, the weeks leading up to the holidays, or the few weeks of your son’s trombone contest season for band can all require deviating from the normal possession schedule that you and your co-parent follow. Understand that things happen, and co-parenting requires being open to a proposed change. It is in your child’s best interest to work with your co-parent.
For more help on how to navigate busy schedules and modifications to possession schedules, contact one of Hunt Law Firm’s skilled attorneys at (832) 781-0320.