Divorce is never easy. People going through a divorce after spending many years with their spouse might find the process exceptionally difficult. This blog post will discuss tips for starting over after a long-term marriage ends in divorce.
1. Take Your Time to Process the Divorce
Someone who went through a divorce does not just “get over” their divorce. People need time to process their divorce whether they have contemplated getting divorced for years or their spouse surprised them by filing. A divorce can be one of the biggest changes in someone’s life, especially if they spent years with the same partner. People’s visions of the future can drastically change following a divorce. A person’s support system, such as friends and family, might change. The amount of financial resources can significantly decrease after a divorce. People can understandably feel extremely overwhelmed by all these changes. Therefore, before making any other big life decisions, people need to take the necessary time to fully process their divorce.
An integral part of processing a divorce is grieving the loss someone feels. A person might feel as if they lost their best friend, romantic partner, or an integral part to their family. Other people might feel happy to no longer be married, recognizing the divorce was for the best, but still feel a loss of normalcy or their visions of their future. Even if someone is happy to divorce their spouse, they might mourn the loss of relationships with their spouse’s family or friends. A person’s feelings following a divorce are valid. No matter how someone feels following a divorce, they should remember that they need to work through these feelings.
People work through their feelings surrounding their divorce in a variety of ways. For some people, they need support from loved ones and to feel stabilized by people already in their lives. Others seek support from a therapist, a support group, or other people acquainted with assisting people through a divorce. Whoever they choose, everyone needs to surround themselves to some degree by people who will uplift and support them following the end of a long-term marriage.
Additionally, experts recommend newly divorced individuals to sit with their feelings to fully understand what exactly they are feeling. While distraction might feel better in the short-term, long-term people must address their feelings in order to fully heal. These feelings can include hurt, anger, confusion, and frustration. After they understand their feelings, a person should focus on releasing their emotions. A person can release their emotions by journaling, removing physical items in their lives that remind them of the relationship, and forgiving the other person. It is important for people not to ignore their feelings surrounding the divorce, but rather acknowledge their feelings and work through them. A person will struggle to move on to a fully happy and healthy future if they hold on to unaddressed emotions that linger from their divorce.
2. Instead of Blaming Your Spouse, Focus on Forgiving Them
People get divorced for a number of reasons. From infidelity to loss of interest to discord, no two divorces are exactly the same. However, spouses blaming each other for issues in their lives is a common occurrence in many divorces. Sometimes a spouse wants to blame their unhappiness on their spouse because the spouse did not treat them the way they wanted or because the spouse did not actively engage in family life. However, many people struggle to realize that one spouse’s actions are rarely the sole cause for a divorce. In reality, most people going through a divorce can attribute at least some of the cause to actions they did during the marriage. Remember, no person acts perfectly all the time. Therefore, regardless of what someone’s spouse did in the past, a person must move from blaming their ex-spouse to trying to forgive them in order to move on from the divorce.
When someone holds a grudge or any negative feelings towards their ex-spouse, they are allowing their ex-spouse to take up too much space in their life. The negative feelings will likely lead to a person experiencing unwanted mental, emotional, and possibly physical impacts. The countless hours someone spends negatively thinking about their ex-spouse are hours wasted because no one can change the past.
Instead, people should use their time and energy on healing, forgiving, and moving on rather than on figuring out why certain things in their marriage happen. If someone experienced a devasting event, such as a spouse cheating, of course they will need time, effort, and patience to forgive their spouse and move on. However, one must remember that forgiving someone else for their actions is not so much for the other person’s benefit, but rather for their own wellbeing. A person is not condoning someone else’s bad behavior by forgiving them. Rather, forgiving someone else, such as a spouse, allows that person to release the negative feelings they have towards that person, feelings such as hate, anger, and resentment. Forgiveness allows someone to free their heart and mind of these negative feelings, leaving room for better things to come into their lives.
3. Rebuild a Life You Want
People who went through a divorce often feel that they lost part of themselves because they spent so much of their time and energy investing into a failing relationship. After a divorce, a person now can dedicate this time and energy to building a new life centered on what they want. Try to develop a new day to day routine, discover a hobby, meet new friends, or go on an unforgettable trip. A divorced person can prioritize their dreams, desires, and goals and no longer must expend significant energy to trying to save their marriage or manage the spouse’s opinions or wants.
For people ending a long-term marriage, the idea of starting a new relationship can sound daunting. Experts do not recommend jumping into a new relationship quickly following a marriage ending because not enough time has passed for a person to process their divorce and heal. However, after time has passed, most people eventually enter into new romantic relationships. Some people discover that finding love after their previous relationship ends gives them renewed happiness and hope for the future. Companionship, both romantic and platonic, is an important aspect everyone needs. While dating is not always easy and it will take time, a person’s mental, emotional, and even physical health improves when they feel connected to others.
In the end, starting over after a long-term marriage ends in divorce is rarely easy. If you are going through a divorce, remember to be patient with yourself as you navigate new experiences and emotions. By implementing these tips, you can begin your journey towards healing from your previous relationship and creating a new life that brings you happiness and fulfillment.