While the holidays can be a time filled with joy and excitement, the holiday season can also be a time of year when many divorced couples and families experience more stress, sadness, and uncertainty. Holiday stress may result in negative interactions with friends and family and poor mental health. Instead of looking forward to the holidays, many people who went through a divorce, especially recently, struggle to enjoy this time of year.
This blog will discuss the ways holiday stress can show up for many divorced couples and families and provides tips for overcoming the stress so you and your loved ones can create happy holiday memories together or simply get through the season in a healthy way.
Take the Time to Understand How You Are Feeling
The holiday season will inevitably cause people to feel stronger emotions than other times of year regardless of whether those feelings are positive or negative. If you recently experienced a divorce, this holiday season might be filled with emotions you previously did not associate with the holidays, such as resentment, frustration, and anger. It is possible for divorced couples or families to feel angry that the divorce separated their family for the holidays. You might feel lonely and sad if you spend the holidays by yourself when prior to the divorce you usually spent the holidays surrounded by family and friends. Maybe you feel guilty like it is your fault that your family is not spending the holidays together. Perhaps you long for a sense of belonging or to spend more time with your children during the holidays. Take the time necessary to understand your feelings and hold space for yourself to work through them. Remember, your children might also be feeling new emotions surrounding the holidays so you should make an effort to sit down and talk with them about how they are feeling as well. Do not put pressure on yourself to enjoy every second of the holidays. Remember, you are a person who went through a very difficult experience that altered your family structure so it is completely understandable to struggle through how you are feeling during the holidays.
Prepare for the Holidays
Although difficult, it is important to remind yourself that you can enjoy the holidays again, but it might take a little work and preparation on your part. Reach out to a mental health professional and begin preparing for the negative feelings you have surrounding the holidays months prior to the holiday season. Surround yourself with friends and family as much as possible. Travel to a new destination that celebrates the holiday in a fun, exciting way. Volunteer in your community at a food pantry during the holidays and be filled with the joy that you know you are doing good work for others. Dive into that new hobby you have been wanting to invest more time in for a while. Everyone will experience the holidays differently, so just try to find what works best for you to feel better during the season. While the holidays can be a very emotionally charged time, you can regain control over how you experience the holiday season by preparing ahead of time.
Do Not Put Unnecessary Pressure on the Holidays
People oftentimes feel the pressure to make joyful and happy memories during the holiday season with their loved ones. For example, children of divorced parents might feel the need to please both of their parents during the holidays, not wanting either parent to feel left out or upset. Parents who divorced may want to make sure their children especially enjoy spending time at their house and therefore put unnecessary pressure on themselves to “out perform” their ex-spouse. Although you may want to please everyone, remember, you cannot make everyone happy. If you spend your holidays trying to make everyone happy, you will likely feel burnt out, unhappy, and as if you yourself cannot enjoy the holidays. Try to maintain healthy boundaries with your loved ones. Remember, you do not have to engage in holiday activities if engaging in such activities will negatively impact your mental health. Similarly, do not put your children in the middle. Keep in mind that you want your children to enjoy the holiday season and create great memories. By keeping these ideas in mind, you can work towards creating a healthy holiday environment for both you and your children.
If Necessary, Stay Off Social Media
The happy pictures you see on social media of families enjoying the holidays together are just snapshots of the good times others are experiencing and do not show the full reality of that family. Not posting the perfect holiday picture on social media does not mean you are not enjoying the holiday. You can take breaks from social media during the holidays, or any time of year, if you need to protect your mental health. Remember, social media is not the real world, so do not let one glimpse of someone’s life they decided to publish to the world define how you feel about yourself, friends, or family.
Plan the Holidays
The holiday season is oftentimes a very busy time of year from family gatherings to school events to holiday logistics. Many families struggle to balance everything during the holiday season, but divorced couples with children also have to navigate changing schedules, celebrating the same holidays in multiple homes, and dividing up holiday responsibilities. Divorced couples with children can struggle to balance the holidays with the new post-divorce changes. Oftentimes, divorced parents find themselves spending the holidays without their children for the first time ever. Days intended for people to spend with their friends and family now serve as reminders of the shift in the family structure.
Plan how you and your ex want to address the holidays. For example, will one or both parents take the children to the annual holiday tradition? Who will buy the Halloween costume or that Christmas gift your child has been asking for repeatedly? Having open communication with your ex-spouse can help facilitate a happier holiday not just for you, but also your children.
Lower Your Expectations for the Holidays
Try to lower your expectations for the holidays. The holidays after a divorce may never look like the holidays you shared with your spouse and, ultimately, that is okay. Give yourself patience to learn how to adapt to the new holiday routine, especially if you share children with your ex-spouse. Lowering your expectations for the holidays will not only improve your mental health, but also give your children space to enjoy the few holidays they get as children. For example, your child might want to spend more time at their other parent’s house because their other parent has their Halloween candy or their new favorite Christmas toy. Instead of getting frustrated or feeling let down, remind yourself that your child is not acting with malicious intent. They are kids after all and oftentimes are more focused on enjoying their holidays to the fullest than navigating their parent’s complex, adult emotions.
Create New Traditions
Most people find it hard to let go of the past. After a divorce, people struggle to accept that certain traditions might be too difficult to do emotionally or logistically without their children or the other parent. Instead of focusing on the lost traditions, try to create new traditions you can enjoy by yourself and with friends, family, and your children. Show your children that although some change can be sad, other change can be fun and exciting. Figure out new holiday activities your children want to do and decide to enjoy those activities together. Include other family members and friends in your new tradition. You can also expose your children to traditions you did as a child that you remember fondly, but your children never experienced before.
Unfortunately, people who experienced divorce oftentimes find themselves not feeling a sense of joy when the holidays roll around, but rather a sense of loss and longing for what they used to have. While this feeling will not disappear overnight, try implementing some of the tips in this blog to begin working towards feeling more at peace during the holiday season.