Spending time away from one’s children can be difficult, especially when your children go on vacation with their other parent. When parents bring children into this world they oftentimes do not imagine spending multiple days or weeks away from their children as they grow up. Parents who find themselves with a court order instructing them on what times they can and cannot have their children can struggle with navigating this new experience of spending time apart from their children.
This blog will explore the emotional impact many parents feel when their children spend time with their other parent, in general, but especially when your children go on vacation with the other parent. We will then discuss tips for how to address these feelings in order to create a healthy environment for both you and your children.
Emotions Surrounding the Other Parent
Following a divorce, many people feel at least some level of negative sentiments toward their ex-partner. You may feel anger, remorse, frustration, or resentment towards your ex-partner. Some people may prefer to cease communication with their ex-partner. However, when someone has children with their ex-partner, they typically must continue to maintain some form of a relationship with their ex-partner in order to co-parent their children.
The lingering negative emotions surrounding the divorce will not disappear overnight. Oftentimes, it takes parents months or years to overcome the anger, resentment, and sadness they feel toward their ex-partner. While you may continue to feel negative sentiments towards your ex-partner, remember that person is still your children’s mom or dad.
You should not try to impose your feelings of the other parent on your children. Imposing your feelings on your children regarding their other parent will likely lead your children to experience harmful emotions either about you or the other parent or even themselves. If your ex-partner truly is not a great person, your child will discover this truth as they grow up. For now, allow your child to build their own relationship with their other parent regardless of how you feel towards the other parent. Vacations represent a great opportunity for children to build healthy relationships with their parent.
Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings
Oftentimes, parents feel a mix of emotions when they spend time away from their children from anxiety to guilt to fear of missing out. You may worry that you are missing out on your children’s important life milestones or just general great childhood memories. When children go on vacation with their other parent, these fears of missing out can become stronger. You do not want your children remembering their childhood vacations and you not being a part of those memories. Fear of missing out is not a feeling parents only feel when a child goes on vacation with the other parent. Parents often worry about other important life milestones as well. What if my child says their first words and I am not there? What if they experience something new for the first time that sparks a lasting interest, and I was not there to experience the joy with them? What if the other parent gets to meet the person my child is dating before me? What if my child has a great or horrible day and I am not there for them to share their emotions and talk through their life experiences with?
The fear of missing out is very common for parents who must share time with other parents. If you and your ex-partner have a good relationship, you can try to work together to make sure both parents are present at important life events such as vacations, birthday parties, and holidays. Otherwise, recognize that even if you had access to your children at all times you may still miss out on important life milestones. If we allow the fear of missing out consume us, we will not be able to be present for the memories and experiences that are happening right in front us of now. Instead of focusing on possibly missing out, we can shift our energy to focus on how to create new memories with our children, such as planning our own vacations with our children. We can start living a more full, enjoyable life by recognizing and accepting that we cannot control everything, including whether or not we are present for all our children’s experiences like vacations.
Although parents might feel anxious being away from their children, many parents start to look forward to their newfound alone time to focus on themselves. It is easy to feel guilty and confused: “How can I feel sad being away from my children but I am also excited for time to myself?” These feelings might feel contradictory, but these emotions and thoughts are normal for newly single parents. You likely feel that you need a break. Not only are you exhausted from the normal day to day reality of parenting, you also went through a break up that was likely very emotionally taxing. Do not feel guilty for wanting time to yourself while your children enjoy their vacation with their other parent. These feelings and thoughts do not make you a bad parent. Your children know that you love them and want the best for them. You also need time to take care of yourself. When you have these thoughts, acknowledge the thought and remind yourself that your children need and deserve time to build a relationship with the other parent.
Spending Time with the Other Parent Benefits Everyone
Absent abusive situations, children with two parents deserve to spend time with both parents so they can build healthy relationships and make memories together. Vacations represent a time set aside for parents to bond with their children. Even if parents do not argue in front of the children, children oftentimes can still pick up on tension between their parents. People oftentimes do not behave the same way when they feel tension compared to when they feel relaxed and comfortable being themselves.
After a separation, children have the opportunity to spend time with their parent without a sense of tension altering how their parent behaves. Children can experience their parent in a new way because relationship stress is not negatively altering how the parent behaves. For example, maybe one parent was known by others as someone who is very funny, but rarely made jokes in front of their children due to their deteriorating relationship with the children’s other parent. Following a separation, the parent starts reverting back to how they behaved prior to the relationship stress and tension and begins showing their children their humorous side. Another example is when partners suppress certain passions because of a relationship. Maybe one parent loves cooking, but never got the opportunity to show off their culinary skills to their children during their relationship with the other parent. A parent might have a passion for a sport that they were not able to experience with their child because the other parent did not share the same passion. Now children can share new experiences with their parents that they likely would not have had the opportunity to experience if the parents stayed together.
Reframe Spending Time Apart from Your Children
One way to deal with negative emotions is reframing your experience. Oftentimes parents think “I am struggling emotionally because I am not able to spend vacation time with my children.” Reframe your experience. Instead think “I accept that I am not able to spend vacation time with my children right now but rather than focusing on my negative emotions I will use this time to improve myself so I can be a better parent when my children come back.” Being a parent is never easy. You must give significant time and energy to teach, love, and guide your children through life. While being a parent is a beautiful experience, you should remember that you are not only a parent. You are a sibling, friend, child, cousin, aunt, or uncle. You are your own person with personal ambitions, dreams, and desires. Do not forget that you need to pour into your own cup or else you cannot fully show up for your children.
Use the time your children spend with their other parent on vacation as time to invest in yourself and do things you love you otherwise would not get to experience. Read a book you would never have the time to sit down and read when your children are home. Take your own trip with your best friend or family member that would not be possible with your children.
When your children are home, enjoy the time you have with them while they are still young instead of dwelling on the time they are spending away from you. Reframing your experience will help you cope with how you feel when your children are away from you and give you the opportunity to regain control over how you experience life.
Do Not Intrude on the Other Parent’s Time
Remember, you should not intrude on the other parent’s time with your children. As hard as it is, you should try to allow your child to enjoy their time with their other parent while on vacation without intruding.
Parents sometime think that “intruding” on the other parent’s time only arises when they inject themselves by being physically present and uninvited during the other parent’s time. However, repeatedly texting, calling or otherwise trying to establish contact with your child or the other parent is another form of intruding into the other parent’s time. It is understandable that you may want to check in on your child and make sure they are doing well on the vacation. But repeatedly checking in with your child might make your child feel obligated to focus on you instead of spending time with their other parent during their trip. Your child may feel a tension between trying to please you while also trying to please their other parent by appearing present with them during their time. Unfortunately, intruding into the other parent’s time can also lead to additional conflict with the other parent because they may start feeling resentment or anger over not being able to fully enjoy their limited time with their child.
Remember These Struggles are Temporary
If you are really struggling with spending time away from your children, it can feel like the distress, sadness, and the other emotions you are experiencing will last forever, especially if you have small children. However, these emotions will not last forever. You are not trapped in your current emotional state. Your children will not stay children forever. Eventually, your children will turn 18 years old and they can decide who they want to spend time. As your children grow up, you will slowly learn how to cope with your emotions when they spend time with their other parent. Be patient with yourself as you adapt to new changes. No one expects a parent to change overnight and easily accept their child spending time apart from them.
Seek Professional Help
Reach out to a therapist if you are experiencing a lot of negative emotions that you feel you are not able to cope with by yourself. You are not alone in your experience. Many therapists specialize in helping parents cope with co-parenting following a divorce and all the emotions that come with co-parenting. Oftentimes, the hardest thing is the first step of reaching out to a therapist. You may need to meet with a couple of therapists before you find one that you feel you connect with. Do not be dismayed if your first experience with a therapist does not go the way you thought it would. Keep prioritizing yourself and your mental health by continuing your search for a therapist. You will likely start to feel better about spending time away from your children if you find a therapist who can help you navigate this new, difficult time in your life.