Parties oftentimes find co-parenting children difficult following a divorce or break-up. While the parties’ romantic relationship ended, parents generally must continue to interact with each other because of the children they share together. The holidays make it especially difficult to co-parent with one’s ex-partner if the parties already have existing issues with co-parenting. However, the holidays are a time of year with even more opportunities for parents to work together for the betterment of their children. This blog will address how parties can prepare for holiday co-parenting.
Open Communication
As with any relationship, the relationship with one’s co-parent can be strengthened by having open communication with the other person. Communication between two people can break down when the parties feel stress or anxiety. Unfortunately, while the holidays can be a happy time, the holidays for parents are also often accompanied with a fair share of stress and anxiety. When possible, try to give the other parent the benefit of doubt and remain patient even when you are upset with them. The other parent might be going through a difficult time that you know nothing about. Maybe the holidays trigger their memories with their late family member, or they are feeling overwhelmed with balancing their work schedule and being there for their children. Remember that you are more likely to have a positive co-parenting experience if you practice patience and understanding with your ex-partner.
The holidays can be a smoother experience for all involved if you and your co-parent take the time to have a conversation about how you both want to handle the holidays. The holidays represent a time when you and the other parent can put your differences aside to make the holidays a happy experience for the children you share together. Discuss whether you and the other parent want to celebrate any of the holidays together. Many of the holidays involve giving gifts to children. You can talk about what gifts each of you plan to buy for your children to make sure your children are not getting repetitive gifts and are receiving the gifts they want. You will greatly improve your co-parenting relationship by maintaining open and honest communication with your co-parent.
Change Your Mindset
Like many things in life, how positive or negative our experience is during the holiday season oftentimes has more to do with our own mindset rather than extraneous factors. People oftentimes can find themselves struggling emotionally and mentally during the holidays because they have some preconceived notion of how the holidays “should” be. It can be difficult but try to remember the real reason behind each holiday your family celebrates. Shifting one’s mindset towards focusing on the positive aspects of the holidays rather than the negative aspects can truly transform how someone experiences the holiday season.
People often focus on things they cannot control during the holidays, such as how their family interacts, whether someone likes their gift, or how they would feel better during the holiday if only something had happened differently. For example, maybe you are hosting a holiday celebration at your house and you spent a lot of time preparing for the special day. When the holiday arrives, your ex-partner who you invited to spend the holiday with your family gets into a disagreement with your family member about something trivial. You feel the mood in your home change and begin to worry that the whole day is “ruined” because of the family fight. It can be easy to start to feel overwhelmed, sad, and let down because you spent all this time preparing to celebrate with your loved ones only to be met with confrontation and arguments. While in a perfect world all families would always get along, it is important to not allow the actions and decisions of other people impact how we experience things. Instead of focusing on how you feel others “ruined” the day, take a moment and self-reflect. Acknowledge that you have no power over the actions of others. Realize that no one’s family is perfect, and everyone has disagreements. Remember that other people cannot ruin your day unless you allow them. Work on shifting your mentality away from the negative actions of others and recenter your thoughts on positive aspects of the day.
Set New Traditions
People often have traditions surrounding the holidays. After a divorce or break-up, you may find yourself either not wanting to or not able to continue the same holiday traditions as you did when you were with your former partner. It can be difficult to come to terms that the holidays may no longer look the same as they did. Remember, your children are also going through a very big transition. While you can remember holidays before your partner, your children have grown accustomed to celebrating the holidays a certain way.
Make sure to take the time to sit down with your children and address any ongoing feelings they have surrounding the holidays. Take this opportunity to ask them what traditions they love about the holidays and try to maintain those traditions if possible. Also ask the children what new traditions they may want to start. Maybe your children always wanted to go ice skating, but your former partner never liked going so the children never had the opportunity to explore their interest in ice skating. You can start a new tradition of going ice skating with your children. By focusing on forming new traditions associated with positive memories, you will create core memories for your children to remember long after they become adults and start creating holiday traditions of their own with their future families.
Focus On Your Children
At the end of the day, the people who suffer the most from an unhealthy co-parenting relationship are the children. Reflect on the holiday memories you have from your childhood. Parents want their children to have happy, memorable times during the holidays. However, you will not be able to provide happy holiday memories to your children if you allow yourself to be drawn into constant fighting with their other parent.
As hard as it might be, do not engage in fights with the other parent even if the other parent is in the “wrong”. Think of your children when you feel suspectable to creating or furthering conflict with your ex-partner. Remember that it is important that you set a positive example for your children on how to create and maintain healthy relationships with others.
Even though your relationship with their other parent ended, that does not mean the relationship ending needs to negatively impact your children. Children will learn from how their parents behave, whether that is in a positive or negative way. If your children can see you speak to their other parent with respect, your children are much more likely to mirror that respectful behavior toward others.
Children struggle to understand and adapt to very stressful situations. While you might not feel like your negative energy towards their other parent is “too negative”, your children likely have a much lower tolerance for conflict due to their age and limited life experience. The holidays are a great time to practice putting your children first and focusing on creating a healthy environment for them to thrive.
Parenting is hard, especially if you are having to learn how to co-parent with someone you were previously in a relationship with. Do not be too hard on yourself. Remember that the holidays are a time meant to be enjoyed and cherished. You can work towards creating a happy holiday season for your children by keeping the things mentioned in this blog in mind while preparing for the holidays with your co-parent.