Parents often find building a healthy and effective co-parenting relationship difficult after a separation. Many times, people feel angry, guilty, sad, and frustrated when separating from their partner. However, it is important for parents to remember that while their romantic relationship ended, the co-parenting relationship with their ex will continue.
A co-parenting relationship greatly impacts children oftentimes more than parents realize. Whether a co-parenting relationship impacts a child positively or negatively depends on how effectively co-parents work together for their child’s wellbeing. A child’s mental health, educational success, self-esteem, and personal identity can be impacted when they witness conflict between their parents. Furthermore, parental conflict can play a role in how children engage with others since children often model the adult relationships they observe. Children experience a greater sense of security, better problem-solving skills, and more emotional and mental stability when parents work together to minimize conflict.
Developing a healthy co-parenting relationship will take time and effort from both parties, but you will likely find that the benefits you and your children will experience from a healthy co-parenting relationship are worth it. Below you will find recommendations for creating a healthy environment for your children by fostering a positive co-parenting relationship.
1. Remember Your Children are Top Priority
Amid the anger or frustration you may feel towards your ex, it is easy to act in ways that might feel good in the moment, but that ultimately negatively impact your co-parenting relationship. In these moments when tension might be high, do not forget that that your child’s wellbeing is top priority. Ensure that your actions and words align with your goal to provide your child with the healthiest environment possible. Shield your child from adult conversations, especially high conflict conversations about the co-parenting relationship. Prioritize your child’s need for a safe, healthy, conflict-free space over your personal issues or differences with the other parent. Do not put your child in the middle of you and the other parent. Although sometimes difficult, try to foster a positive relationship between your child and the other parent when circumstances permit, as this will greatly benefit your child.
2. Develop a Consistent Routine
Children benefit from a consistent routine. Developing a possession schedule during a divorce or suit affecting a parent-child relationship can reduce conflict long term because the parties have a clear, detailed schedule that leaves little room for disagreement regarding possession. In addition to a possession schedule, find a time to talk with the other parent about routines you both can establish in your separate homes more broadly to create a level of continuity in your children’s lives. For example, coordinate schedules so the children go to bed around the same time every night.
Although it is important to remain flexible with the other parent, both parents should try to maintain a consistent possession schedule. A consistent schedule allows each parent to manage their time more efficiently. Even more importantly, a consistent schedule will help the children feel more secure in knowing where and with who they will be spending their time. By abiding by the possession schedule, each parent and the children will grow their relationship because this will each enjoy consistent and regular parent-child time.
3. Engage in Healthy Communication
Try to focus your conversations with the other parent on the children, not past arguments or personal information the other parent does not need to know. Address the other parent in a neutral, respectful manner even during difficult conversations and request the same in return. Work with the other parent to ensure that each parent is informed on the children’s extracurricular activities, educational progress, medical concerns, and any other relevant information that you both should know. Establish a communication method that both parents can follow, such as texting, emailing, using a co-parenting app, or calling. Evaluate which communication method play to your strengths. For example, if the other parent easily upsets you with their tone of voice, try using texting, emailing, or a co-parenting app to communicate serious topics with the other parent to avoid unnecessary arguments. Remember that conversing with the other parent in a civil, respectful manner sets a good example for how your children should talk to others. Healthy communication is an essential component to developing and maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship.
4. Compromise with the Other Parent
While parents should try to maintain a consistent routine when possible, unexpected situations sometimes arise that require parents to compromise with the other parent. For example, one parent might have to work late one day and asks the other parent to pick the children up from school. Although difficult at times, try to understand the other parent’s situation or point of view in order to maintain a peaceful environment for your children by minimizing possible conflicts. When necessary, adapt to the new situation, always remembering your child’s wellbeing is most important.
5. Do Not Talk Poorly of the Other Parent
After a separation, someone’s negative feelings about the other parent can easily cause them to talk badly about the other parent. However, talking poorly about the other parent should be avoided because such behavior can confuse and upset a child who previously viewed their parent as “good”. If a child hears their parent talking poorly about their other parent, the child may begin to view their other parent as “bad”. Not only does this negatively impact the child’s relationship with the other parent, the child might also start questioning whether they are “bad” too since they likely identify with their other parent. When you need to vent about the other parent, talk with your friends, family, or a therapist, not your children, and request that the co-parent do the same. Realize that it is not your role to tell your children about the other parent’s personality flaws or issues. Instead, your children will slowly recognize these flaws and issues in the other parent as they mature into adults without you needing to tell them.
6. Take Care of Yourself
Parents often focus so much on their children’s wellbeing that they forget to take care of themselves too. As you navigate this difficult chapter in your life, take time to care for yourself and do something that will recharge you so that you can continue being a great parent to your child. Self-care can take many forms, but some examples include going for a walk, talking to a friend, and writing in a journal. Remember, it is not selfish to take some needed time for yourself especially if engaging in a self-care practice will help you engage with your children and the other parent in a healthy manner.
7. Set Healthy Boundaries with the Other Parent
Maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship does not mean that you cannot set healthy boundaries with the other parent. Setting boundaries in a co-parenting relationship means you each respect the other’s privacy, outside relationships, and time. You often must share information about your children and co-parenting responsibilities, but you do not have to share information about your personal life with the other parent unless the information falls into a few very specific instances outlined in court orders.
8. Reinforce a Child’s Positive Perspective of the Other Parent
Discuss positive things about the other parent with your children even when the other parent is not around. For example, say things such as “Your mom did a great job helping you with your school project” or “Your dad is working really hard as your soccer coach”. By speaking positively about the other parent, you are demonstrating to your child that despite the change in the family structure, each family member plays an important role. Children often feel more secure and feel that they can also say positive things about their other parent without fear of hurting your feelings. In addition to benefiting your child’s well-being, framing the other parent in a positive light also can greatly benefit your own health.
9. Agree on a Similar Parenting Style
Develop an agreed upon parenting style with the other parent that both parents can implement in their homes. Parents who use similar parenting styles appear united in their parenting decisions to their children. Set similar rules in each household so the children understand your expectations surrounding their behavior. Children will benefit from having consistent expectations as they move from house to house and will be less confused if they require discipline for disobeying.
10. Discuss New Partner’s Role with the Other Parent
Parents should expect that they and their co-parents will likely develop new relationships in the future. As the new relationship develops, sit down or schedule a call with your co-parent to discuss how you both want to include new partners in your children’s lives. For example, many experts who work with families recommend waiting until the new partner is firmly a part of the family before the new partner is involved with decision making regarding the children. Deciding on how to integrate new partners will likely require multiple conversations and time to determine. As the new partner integrates into the family, the goal of acting in the best interest of the children should remain intact.
Overall, when parents put their differences aside and work together, they can establish a healthy environment that greatly benefits their children. If you have implemented these tips and continue to need assistance in developing a healthy co-parenting relationship, reach out to friends, family, support groups, therapists and other professionals who can provide guidance.